How to Pray and other FAQs

How to Pray

Let’s get right to the question I get most often: “Is there a right way to pray?” The short answer to this is no. Prayer is our time with God. The words can be out loud, in your head, a thought of gratitude, a cry for help etc. In fact John Wesley says this, “God will do nothing but in answer to prayer. Whether we think of, or speak to, God, whether we act or suffer for him, all is prayer, when we have no other object than his love, and the desire of pleasing him. Proceed with much prayer, and your way will be made plain.” (“The works of the rev. John Wesley”, p.383)

what is prayer?

We can talk about “what God does in prayer” in another post but I feel like this quote answers the question about “the right way” or “wrong way” to pray. We can’t pray incorrectly because prayer is a part of who we are. Prayer is our communication with God and because of that intimacy (whether it is with a group of people or an individual), each encounter is unique and precious. We may not always be attentive of our connection with God but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

Steps to Prayer

That being said, I do think there are frameworks to prayer that can help our prayer time be more

How to Pray

meaningful. I don’t always practice my prayer in this way. While I like to think of God in a linear way, I know God doesn’t work that way. I have, however, found this framework useful when the words are hard for me to get out and I need a place to start.

Step 1: Praise

Start by telling God all the things you love about Him. Make a list of all the things you are thankful for. Or at least the top three things at the moment. Studies have shown that when you write down three different things every day that you are thankful for (for at least 21 days), you change the way your brain processes the world so you begin to look for positive things in the world because you have built a habit. To learn more about the power of positivity in relation to happiness, watch Shawn Achor’s TED Talk.

Step 2: Refer to Scripture

I’ll be honest. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. My friends who have been around me after a couple of cups of coffee may find that hard to believe but its true. Sometimes, words fail us. In those times we have the gift of Scripture to lean on and it should be one of the first places we start. The problem is that there are a lot of words in the Bible and it might overwhelm you to try and find where to start. So here are a few tips about how to find the right passage: (this is not an exhaustive list)
  • Psalms – the book of Psalms is the ancient Hebrew prayer/song book. I say prayer/song because for some the difference is minimal. Jews have a cantor that leads in worship that will sing or “cant” or “chant” the words to a Psalm. We often sing words that have a prayer-like feel to them. Pray through the Psalms for strength (Psalm 46), lament (Psalm 22), and rejoicing (Psalm 103). There are more than just those three. You’ll find multiple examples of all of those types of Psalms in that book of the Bible.
  • Philippians – this book is one of the shorter ones that Paul wrote. It is also his most joyful. I use each chapter for a different kind of prayer. Chapter 1 can be used to give thanks for other people in your life and to pray for them to thrive in their faith (Phil 1:3-11). I use Chapter 2 when I desire to be more Christ-like especially when I need to practice humility (Phil 2:1-11). Chapter 3 is a helpful reminder of sacrifice, hope, and perseverance (Phil 3:7-14). Chapter 4 reminds us to rejoice and to put our faith into practice (Phil 4:4-9)
  • Ephesians – Another time that Paul prayed for a church. The prayer in Ephesians 3:14-20 shows the power and strength of God’s love.
  • Jesus’ words – while the Lord’s Prayer might be recited more, Jesus also prayed for his disciples and for us as well. You can find that prayer in John 17.
  • More of Jesus’ words – I’ll spend some time in another post to specifically talk about the Lord’s Prayer and why it is so powerful. You can find it in Matthew 6:9-13.

Step 3: Ask

In James 4:2-3 the writer says that, “you do not have because you do not ask.” We often think about prayer as asking for something. Healing, happiness, wealth, love, wisdom, etc. You name it – someone has probably asked for it. While I do believe that we should take the desires of our heart to God, we should never fool ourselves to think that this is the purpose of prayer. The purpose of prayer is about transformation. Most often the person praying is the one transformed. Answered prayer is not the proof of God. Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said, “A god who let us prove his existence would be an idol.” Instead, prayer is the proof of your belief in God. Even if you don’t think your faith is strong, your prayer life is acknowledgment of belief, no matter how large or small that may be. So ask. Ask God through prayer for the deepest desires of your heart, but be prepared for God to shape and transform what those desires are.

Step 4: Listen

We often forget this step. If we ask but fail to listen, do we really believe that God will answer? I believe that God answers every prayer in God’s way and in God’s time. Sometimes the answer is “yes.” Sometimes the answer is “no.” Sometimes the answer is “not yet.” And sometimes we lose the desire or need we asked for. In theory this seems simple but it gets complicated when we pray for things we truly believe to be in God’s will for people we believe to be worthy. Why do thousands of people pray for a child with cancer and yet the child still dies? Why does a virus turn into a pandemic when the world was praying? I don’t know. I know this is a deep and complicated question that often halts someone’s prayer life. But I also know that if I knew what God knew, then I would be overwhelmed (to put it mildly). I want to be wise but I cannot handle the knowledge God has. One day perhaps. Once I’ve made it to heaven. Until then I must live in the uncertainty of faith and listen for the certainty of God. This “certainty” comes through other people, through walks in God’s creation, through scripture, and through that “still, small voice” that nudges me to know that God is with me, leading me, and ordering my steps.

The Importance of Prayer

Most Jewish prayers start the same way…


“Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the Universe…” They start with God in mind. Part of the reason why I think we ask the question “Why should I pray?” is because we start with ourselves in mind. We look at prayer and ask, “What we can get out of it?” This is not why we should pray. God is not a Coke machine, a bubble gum dispenser, or a vending machine. Prayer is not a transaction. Prayer is a connection.

But why do we need to pray?

While there are infinite reasons why we need to pray, I walk us through four.
  1. Scripture tells us to. The first that comes to mind is “pray without ceasing” in 1 Thessalonians but the second one that comes to mind is in Philippians chapter 4, “Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
  2. Jesus did. Jesus prayed. Often. Throughout his life. “In the morning, while it was still very dark, he got up and went out to a deserted place, and there he prayed.” Mark 1:35 Jesus prayed at the beginning of his ministry and at the end of his life. If Jesus needed to pray, we certainly do as well.
  3. To understand. It is a means of discerning God’s will. When we pray the Lord’s Prayer, we pray, “Thy will be done.” We want to understand the will of God so that our will aligns with God’s. We want our hearts and our minds to be transformed back into the image in which we were created – that process starts with prayer.
  4. Connection – We can’t get to know him if we don’t spend time with him. Spending time with someone is how relationships develop. There’s no quick way to do that. It takes time.

If God knows everything that is going to happen then why do I need to pray?

quote on prayer

There is a difference between God’s Will for us and the plan for our life. God’s will is for us to spend eternity with Him. He won’t answer prayer in anyway that will jeopardize that. The plans for your life that don’t impact your salvation are fluid. God is not a micro-manager. He cares about the details of our lives but he doesn’t dictate them. He gave us free will and created us in his image with the gift of dominion over our own lives and the world – how we take care of each is up to us.

Who do I pray to?

At first this question seems a bit odd to me. But when I really thought about it I could see how it could be confusing. Do we pray to God? Or Jesus? Or the Holy Spirit? Or all three? Or the Trinity? The answer falls into the category of “there’s no wrong way to pray.” I’ve prayed to God. I’ve prayed to Jesus. I’ve prayed to the Holy Spirit. I’ve prayed to all three. I’ve prayed in the name of the blessed Trinity. In my theological tradition, none of those were heretical. I was praying to the same God, just different aspects of that God. When I praise Creation, I pray to God. When I’m thankful for salvation, I pray to Jesus. When I pray for inspiration, I pray to the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I start by talking to God and end in the name of Jesus and by the power of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes people call me, Shannon. Other times I’m Rev. Karafanda. Often I’m called Mom. Close friends call me Doc. No matter what you call me, I’m still me. Pray to God. Get to know Him better. You’ll know what to call Him.

Why isn’t it working?

Change your mindset to view prayer as a process, and experience, a relationship and not as a means to a result. Prayer isn’t about “working” its about being with. Connecting. It always works. It feels different at different times. You may say the same prayer each day and hear something different each day in response. The world changes all the time – of course you’ll hear something different. But that doesn’t mean its not working.

Why is it important – does He already know what I need/want?

Do you tell your spouse you love them? Don’t they already know? Pray. God doesn’t need to hear from you. He longs to hear from you. Reconnect.

Can we change God’s mind?

This one is tricky. I would never want to think that I had the power to change God’s mind but I do think God’s mind can be changed. That is different from God changing His will. There is scriptural evidence of Jesus changing his mind in the story of the Syrophoenician woman’s faith. She argues with Jesus and is persistent in her request and Jesus changes his mind. Jesus himself prayed in the garden for what was about to happen to not happen IF it would be within God’s will for the situation to change. Jesus seemed to be telling us that God can change His mind but he won’t change His will.

How to Pray Out Loud

These are not exclusive steps and this doesn’t need to be a linear process but these are what worked for me so that I got over the idea of praying out loud. I still get nervous praying in front of others. I wonder if I’m doing it right even though I know God’s grace covers anything I might say or do when I pray. But I’m also excited about what God will do in that moment. I know that prayer is not about me or my words but about the connection that whoever I’m praying for or with has with God. Praying with others is a privilege and an awe inspiring exercise of grace.

Step 1: Practice Praying Privately

You don’t go from never praying out loud to praying in front of hundreds of people. I take that back. You can but I don’t recommend it. It would cause too much anxiety. Instead find a spot where you’ve heard from God before. For me that typically involves praying near water – a lake, stream, creek, or if I’m lucky …a beach. But it could also be a quiet but comfortable place in your home or at your church. Get comfortable. Take a few deep breaths. And speak from your heart. Repeat this daily for a few days before you move onto step 2.

Step 2: Practice praying in a small group

For me this was the most important step. When I was taking my first long term Bible Study (Disciple 1), the facilitator of the group told us on our first meeting that we would each be taking turns opening and closing us with prayer. She pointed out that all of us were inexperienced at leading prayer (none of us were clergy at the time) and that this was a safe place to “practice.” Her saying that took away 75% of my anxiety. She gave us permission to try and to learn. It was a gift. That didn’t take ALL the anxiety away. The rest fell away over time as I practiced and as I heard other people fumble as they practiced. If you don’t have a group like this, form one. Most people don’t know how to pray out loud and would support your effort to improve this spiritual discipline.

Step 3: Keep a Prayer Journal

There are two reasons to keep a prayer journal. The first one is that if you keep a journal you can see how God answers prayer if you forget what you prayed for three months ago. The second is that it helps you to think about what you might lift up in a prayer with others before you are called to pray in front of a group. If there is a possibility that you might have the opportunity to pray out loud in the future, journal an outline of a prayer before hand. It will help you when you pray later.

Step 4: Habitize Praying out Loud

Making prayer a habit
When you make a habit out of a spiritual discipline, you have habitized that discipline. Prayer is a life long spiritual discipline. It isn’t something to be done only at church. Continue practicing and you will get better. Make it a habit and your life will be richer for it.

I hope that I have cleared a path for you to be more open about prayer. I pray that you will connect with God and change the world. But even if that doesn’t happen in the way you might think I do know that if you connect with God YOU will change. And YOU are worth it.

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What are your thoughts?